High School Favorites/team Drama

[Tealxblack25]

Hello all,

I googled my questions thinking I could maybe find an article or some sort of write up to read on tips for dealing with teams who just cant seem to get it together as far as drama / talking about coaches decisions / the team etc etc.

I came up short so I came here !

My team is a team of 20, but we have 3 alternates so 17 competing
We made it very clear that we were only competing tumblers - alternates would be non-tumblers and can still cheer games and they are still considered part of the team.

We are almost a month into our season and there is constant chatter about our decisions, how they think so and so shouldn't be an alternate - coaches pick favorites - and they just constantly chatter in school and through text pretty much demeaning our decisions and claiming we pick favorites.

The problem is - some of the girls considered to be "favorites" were picked as alternates - I am sure other teams have this issue of "favorites" and it is true that some coaches do have favorites but don't act on them. I know it might be hard for some people to give advice without seeing the actual coaching done but, I can assure everyone - we don't not pick favorites. What I can say is that we have a group of juniors and seniors that have coached since they were in 6th grade and then we have Sophmores and juniors that I have only been coaching for about 1-2 years

I tell them all the time I don't have personal favorites, but I have a favorite type of cheerleader. One that respects me, one that says hi and acknowledges me outside of cheer, one that doesn't break the rules, and does what we ask.

Some cheerleaders for whatever reason don't make the effort to talk to me or say hi to me, ask me how my day is going. There are some that when I initiate conversation "hi how are you" or "hey see you tonight at practice" They ignore me and don't say hi back. I have had a cheerleader admit to turning the other way at the grocery store when I saw her-- but then there are some who come and sit with me and they initiate conversation. Am I supposed to ignore these girls who respect their coach for fear of repercussions and claims of favorites?

What are some topics we can talk about and ways to address this problem without me, a coach, sounding dramatic or causing negative energy between the team ?

I feel that it needs to be addressed in some way because if it doesn't the team as a whole will suffer.
This team has so much skill and potential and I feel like they throw it away because they are too wrapped up in figuring out how they can better assemble and coach the team when they should really be focusing on their school work and not chattering in class.

thanks!

 

[Doctorcheer]

I say don't address it. Let them talk especially if you've stated this is why these people are alternates. I've learned I really never have to explain my coaching decisions because I do exactly what I say I'm going to do. In your case you did what you stated. Nothing else to say. They will learn that there is no hidden agenda.

About the saying hi thing, let's be honest teenagers are awkward. I wouldn't reprimand or make it a big deal. For me, behavior in a practice or game situation is far more important as long as they aren't doing anything illegal or immoral.

 

[OldskoolKYcheercoach]

Step 1: stop caring whether they say "hi" to you. You're not their friend. You're their coach. Unless there's some reason you need 20 teenage friends to hang out with, it shouldn't matter if they like you. The end result of rule 1, is that they will ALL begin to respect you, and that will go much further than having a bunch of teenager BFF's

Step 2: continue to make what I call "playing time" decisions based on talent first. Skills are tangible, and they can be seen. When people see those decisions made based on skills first, they will pursue those skills in order to get those spots

Step 3: be certain that you have credible evidence of drama. Pay ZERO attention to he said /she said nonsense. Do not attempt to police every single possible combination of interpersonal relationships that can occur between 20 teenagers and their psycho parents. In essence, you shouldn't care that much,

Step 4: when you have HARD EVIDENCE of drama, deal with it. One hard day of removing a trouble maker pays for itself tenfold by changing the dynamic of the team, no matter how good the trouble maker is.

 

[AScheer]

Step 1: stop caring whether they say "hi" to you. You're not their friend. You're their coach. Unless there's some reason you need 20 teenage friends to hang out with, it shouldn't matter if they like you. The end result of rule 1, is that they will ALL begin to respect you, and that will go much further than having a bunch of teenager BFF's

Step 2: continue to make what I call "playing time" decisions based on talent first. Skills are tangible, and they can be seen. When people see those decisions made based on skills first, they will pursue those skills in order to get those spots

Step 3: be certain that you have credible evidence of drama. Pay ZERO attention to he said /she said nonsense. Do not attempt to police every single possible combination of interpersonal relationships that can occur between 20 teenagers and their psycho parents. In essence, you shouldn't care that much,

Step 4: when you have HARD EVIDENCE of drama, deal with it. One hard day of removing a trouble maker pays for itself tenfold by changing the dynamic of the team, no matter how good the trouble maker is.

Amen. This is pretty much all that needs to be said.

 

[Tealxblack25]

Step 1: stop caring whether they say "hi" to you. You're not their friend. You're their coach. Unless there's some reason you need 20 teenage friends to hang out with, it shouldn't matter if they like you. The end result of rule 1, is that they will ALL begin to respect you, and that will go much further than having a bunch of teenager BFF's

Step 2: continue to make what I call "playing time" decisions based on talent first. Skills are tangible, and they can be seen. When people see those decisions made based on skills first, they will pursue those skills in order to get those spots

Step 3: be certain that you have credible evidence of drama. Pay ZERO attention to he said /she said nonsense. Do not attempt to police every single possible combination of interpersonal relationships that can occur between 20 teenagers and their psycho parents. In essence, you shouldn't care that much,

Step 4: when you have HARD EVIDENCE of drama, deal with it. One hard day of removing a trouble maker pays for itself tenfold by changing the dynamic of the team, no matter how good the trouble maker is.

I am not a new coach. I know I am not their friend, it is a respect factor for me. You see someone you know in public you simply say hi - or when I arrive to practice its respectful to acknowledge and say hi to your coaches..

I don't need to have a team chat about why they dont say Hi to me - what I am looking for is advice for how to address favorites and make them understand it's about skill not who coaches like! Also, team drama and talking about others on the team and how they carry themselves in school. If they dont respect the program, or themselves.. their peers classmates and friends will not either. We are having a hard time getting them to understand that

We have the same girl every time offer to wash the uniforms, offer to organize team bonding, and do all kinds of things to help the coaches - are we supposed to say no so people dont think we favor her? We cant help that - no one else offers to help us ? Its also the same 4-5 girls who stay after to help pick up the trash after and roll up mats.

 

[coacha]

I am not a new coach. I know I am not their friend, it is a respect factor for me. You see someone you know in public you simply say hi - or when I arrive to practice its respectful to acknowledge and say hi to your coaches.

I don't need to have a team chat about why they dont say Hi to me - what I am looking for is advice for how to address favorites and make them understand it's about skill not who coaches like!

Your initial post emphasized this issue, it read like you needed to sit and have a chat with your team that you don't have favorites - and yet you yourself said you prefer cheerleaders who say hi to you.

TBH, if you follow through, let the skills speak for themselves. You shouldn't have to explain decisions. If you said only tumblers, and you only take tumblers, you don't need to defend yourself. Ignore the idle chatter.

Also, team drama and talking about others on the team and how they carry themselves in school. If they dont respect the program, or themselves.. their peers classmates and friends will not either. We are having a hard time getting them to understand that

Ignore he said/she said drama. It's not worth your time. If there is legitimate disrespect to the program or your have hard evidence of breaking team rules, remove the offenders. Idle threats get you no where. Make clear guidelines and consequences, and follow through.

We have the same girl every time offer to wash the uniforms, offer to organize team bonding, and do all kinds of things to help the coaches - are we supposed to say no so people dont think we favor her? We cant help that - no one else offers to help us ? Its also the same 4-5 girls who stay after to help pick up the trash after and roll up mats.

Honestly? Why are only 4-5 girls staying to roll mats/clean up trash? No one leaves our gym until mats are rolled and trash is picked up. Why does 1 person wash everyone's uniform? I've never been at a program where anyone washed anyone elses. Wash the one you wear. And as for team bonding, the point is to help the team bond. If it's causing an issue, then don't do it. We use a mom coordinator for that, but if it's not serving it's intended purpose, cut it.

 

[AScheer]

I am not a new coach. I know I am not their friend, it is a respect factor for me. You see someone you know in public you simply say hi - or when I arrive to practice its respectful to acknowledge and say hi to your coaches..

I don't need to have a team chat about why they dont say Hi to me - what I am looking for is advice for how to address favorites and make them understand it's about skill not who coaches like! Also, team drama and talking about others on the team and how they carry themselves in school. If they dont respect the program, or themselves.. their peers classmates and friends will not either. We are having a hard time getting them to understand that

We have the same girl every time offer to wash the uniforms, offer to organize team bonding, and do all kinds of things to help the coaches - are we supposed to say no so people dont think we favor her? We cant help that - no one else offers to help us ? Its also the same 4-5 girls who stay after to help pick up the trash after and roll up mats.

Why is this optional? Everyone should be picking up trash. Everyone should be rolling up mats. Girls should be washing their own uniform. Why are they having to volunteer... assign them tasks. Demand that everyone pitch in and take ownership of the team. They don't have any respect because it sounds like they're aren't being held accountable for anything.

I've been called a cheer nazi coach for a reason. I'm very clear on expectations and I follow through. The kids respect me for it and while they may not always like me, they know where I stand. They trust me and my decisions because they know how and why I do things. My first season at this school was a struggle, but I stuck to my guns and the bad ones weeded themselves out.

Do you say hi to them first? Lead by example. My guess is that if they think there are favorites, there is a reason. Maybe pull a couple of trusted seniors aside and discuss why they think there are favorites. This can give you insight into actions that you may not realize you're doing.

Any group of girls will have some sort of drama to it. You need to take a hardass stand to it though. No drama the second they walk into that gym. Follow through and remove girls that start drama. You have to have a zero tolerance attitude for it. It sounds like they are viewing cheer as more of a social activity rather than a sport or a job. Cheer is their job, it has rules and expectations, anyone not on board can be fired. Plain and simple.

 

[CheerTD]

Hi Teal we wrote a few blog post specifically addressing this! I hope it is helpful:


Post 1: Handling Cheer Drama
Post 2: Cheer Team Bonding Ideas Every Cheer Coach Should Try

We hope these are helpful!

The CheerTD family

 

[Tealxblack25]

The uniform washing was before we handed them out at the start of the new season- they had been sitting in a Rubbermaid for over 6 months in a locker room and needed to be washed and a parent offered to wash them before we hand them out and the cheerleader brought them to and from and of course for some reason some girls had an issue with it but I didn't see anyone else offering before I had a chance to wash them myself. Its not like they wash them for the team after every event haha

We don't let them leave until the mats are rolled and trash is picked up but we get the occasional "I have to go to the bathroom" during mat time which we know they are just trying to not roll mats- we have since addressed the mat rolling and it has gotten better. The trash/water bottles are also better too - girls thought "well I picked up my trash so I'm good to leave" but we get the occasional wrapper left behind, bottle, pants, shoes left behind and take it upon themselves to help pick up stuff even when its not theirs, so when we tried to address the problem I gave praise to these girls alas the favoritism card started being played.

like I said, since my original post things have gotten better, girls are in better moods and things seem to be calmed down.

I apologize if my explanations were confusing, but I appreciate every ones' replies.
Thanks

 

[Michael White]

I'm no expert, but I believe in balance. What you do for one, you do for all. This includes praise, punishment, and even saying hi. When running the practice, spread your praise and criticism. I have seen coaches who don't even know they have favorites heap the praise on the same four people day in and day out. When you say the same five stay and roll the mats, as the previous posters have said, balance it out, make everyone roll the mats, and then praise the team.

I'm not saying you can't single someone out, but when it happens often, people are going to notice, even if there's no favoritism. In my experience, the best athletes know that they are good, they don't need to be constantly reminded of it. Silent athletes who always do their job and never complain are my favorites, yet I will rarely mention them. Obviously if they go above and beyond their usual consistency, I make an effort to encourage it. it's the ones who only perform for the praise that are the biggest drama starters.

Also, if there's an issue with a single athlete, proactive de-escalation when done correctly can do wonders. I haven't had a problem (that I know of, but I've head coached before) but letting something fester is a recipe for disaster.

 

[Michael White]

Also I just wanted to add my philosophy and it was not really in response to the original poster.

 

[oncecoolcoachnowmom]

I'm no expert, but I believe in balance. What you do for one, you do for all. This includes praise, punishment, and even saying hi. When running the practice, spread your praise and criticism. I have seen coaches who don't even know they have favorites heap the praise on the same four people day in and day out. When you say the same five stay and roll the mats, as the previous posters have said, balance it out, make everyone roll the mats, and then praise the team.

I'm not saying you can't single someone out, but when it happens often, people are going to notice, even if there's no favoritism. In my experience, the best athletes know that they are good, they don't need to be constantly reminded of it. Silent athletes who always do their job and never complain are my favorites, yet I will rarely mention them. Obviously if they go above and beyond their usual consistency, I make an effort to encourage it. it's the ones who only perform for the praise that are the biggest drama starters.

Also, if there's an issue with a single athlete, proactive de-escalation when done correctly can do wonders. I haven't had a problem (that I know of, but I've head coached before) but letting something fester is a recipe for disaster.

This.

I've heard people say "I don't play favorites" or "There is no kid on my team that I hate."

But then:

*tells Katelyn "Awesome job" every second that she breathes*

*corrects Megan every time she bats an eyelash wrong*

 

[Michael White]

This.

I've heard people say "I don't play favorites" or "There is no kid on my team that I hate."

But then:

*tells Katelyn "Awesome job" every second that she breathes*

*corrects Megan every time she bats an eyelash wrong*

Unfortunately, I've seen way too much of this. I know what it's like to not be the favorite, and I try not to perpetuate the same behavior.

 

[OldskoolKYcheercoach]

This.

I've heard people say "I don't play favorites" or "There is no kid on my team that I hate."

But then:

*tells Katelyn "Awesome job" every second that she breathes*

*corrects Megan every time she bats an eyelash wrong*

Maybe Katelyn is better than Megan.

I've got kids that "get it" and kids that don't. If I can tell a kid how to do something once and they figure it out, they're going to hear "good job" more frequently. The ones that require constant correction hear "that's better...." followed by whatever they need to do to make it correct. Praising them 100 times for doing something incorrectly only perpetuates their incorrect technique.

The problem with teenagers is they have selective hearing. They only hear the correction. There's nothing I can do about that.

ETA: I make no reservations about having favorites. As a manager, I have favorite employees; as a coach, I have favorite athletes; and as a human being, I have favorite friends. That's human nature, and any coach that says they don't have favorites is lying, or kidding themselves. My favorites are the ones who do all the little things correctly. They have on the right practice uniform every day. They show up on time (or preferably early) every day. They never miss a practice unexcused. They keep their noses clean in school and community. They have a great attitude about practice. One of these kids...I almost cut...now she's one of my favorites. You don't have to be a superstar athlete to obtain favorite status.

The question becomes, can you set that aside and make decisions without prejudice?

If you cannot, you're in the wrong business.

 

[The real mom of cheer]

My daughter has been Allstar cheering for 10 years she will be starting high school in the fall and has decided to do HS cheer. My daughter is quiet she does her thing ,helps,shows up on time,etc but if she saw you outside of school she may not say hi to you. She's not disrepecting you she's just quiet. Now if you say hi she will say hi back but to say that's disrespecting you may not be true. Coaches do have favorites it's life as long as you follow through and have rules that apply to everyone I don't feel you should address it but that's just me.