I used to suffer from sever depression in my final years of high school. There was alot going on, many (little) things that all togheter became to difficult for me to handle. People didnt understand and i'm not a big talker about my feelings anyway.
I kept having nightmares, where I was trapped in a box that kept getting smaller and smaller.
When I asked some friends for help, they'd say I needed to be happy and cheerful as I used to be again, but eventhough I wanted, it was impossible and instead of getting better, I got worse.
I developed an eating disorder and tried to commit suicide several times.
after the first attempt, they send me to a doctor who gave me anti-depressants, they never kick in directly so for a few weeks i kept getting worse and had a few more attempts.
i ended up in the hospital, who only wanted to release me if my parents agreed on sending me to a psychiatrist. i got some therapy and other medication.
In the whole process I lost some friends because they felt "I was selfish for trying to take my own life and leaving them behind".
I had a few more years of periods with therapy and medication, but never felt ok and the medication was making me feel numb. I wasnt sad all the time anymore, but i couldnt be happy either.
The longer I was on medication, the worse it got, I had moved and got a new therapist who I didnt like, so I looked for another one who worked on my nerves too.
I also started to feel like I had no control about my life anymore. One night when I was out with friends, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me with this other girl and I was all upset, but not upset like id normally feel. i knew I was angry, but i couldnt really feel it. I was all confused and damaged the boys car. I had drunken some alcohol which made it all worse because my heart was racing and I had hallucinations which were normal if you had alcohol with these meds.
I told my doctor about what a horrible night it was and that i no longer wanted these meds who controlled my life. He gave me others but those made me feel sick all the time.
I decided I wanted another life and quit the meds myself (which you normally shouldnt do!!) and decided to set goals in life. Very little goals though and all maximum two months ahead. This way I Always had something to live for. I also tried to be a role model for others, so other would look up to me and I had to be positive to keep them motivated and not let them down.
that seems to be working well, I wont say I'm all depression-free. i think once you had it, it will keep popping up through life.
I've been through alot of bad things and every time when something bad happends to me again, i know some hold their breath, scared that it will be the trigger for me again to crash. So far I'm doing fine.
I'd suggest you to go find a good psych too and get medication in the beginning untill you get a bit stronger, but keep getting help, dont try it all by yourself. Also try to set goals, things with a positive outcome or go volenteer so you get a positive feeling and know you're doing something good, which will make you feel good.
best of luck girl! hold on!
