All-Star Mean Moms, You Can't Sit With Us

[mamabear]

we were blessed when we switched gyms because we had friends making the move with us and I had a few incredible Friends from the board already there who made the transition easy and welcoming. As a team parent, I try to make an effort to welcome newbies . Most of the time , they appreciate it and feel included.

Sadly, where I have seen the mean mom syndrome the most is when their kid moves up and yours doesn’t. Sometimes the exclusion happens naturally where focuses and friendships remain wherever it is the easiest like your kid”s current team , but there are others who are judgemental about why their kid deserved it and yours didn’t.




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[123jump4!]

we were blessed when we switched gyms because we had friends making the move with us and I had a few incredible Friends from the board already there who made the transition easy and welcoming. As a team parent, I try to make an effort to welcome newbies . Most of the time , they appreciate it and feel included.

Sadly, where I have seen the mean mom syndrome the most is when their kid moves up and yours doesn’t. Sometimes the exclusion happens naturally where focuses and friendships remain wherever it is the easiest like your kid”s current team , but there are others who are judgemental about why their kid deserved it and yours didn’t.




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That's great that you're welcoming as a team mom! The team mom for CP's team at our gym has also been welcoming, friendly and helpful. I'm friends (but not close) with a few of the parents at comps and pickup, especially the moms of CP's friends on the team. There doesn't seem to be much drama which is nice.

I think it's possible to act reasonably friendly to other parents without being sucked into drama.

 

[oncecoolcoachnowmom]

I think it's possible to act reasonably friendly to other parents without being sucked into drama.

For sure. I tend to make this distinction as to when friendly crosses over to getting into drama and being a busybody:

Friendly:

"Hey Becky I love Suzy's hair today."
"Hey how about those {SPORTS TEAM}."
"Oh hey I saw that Suzy had to miss last night. Maybe we can get them together to go over the cheer she missed." (if you have little kids doing rec/youth football, this is a thing)
"Hey I saw you said on the group chat you needed a roommate this weekend. I think we have a spot."
*chit chat about shows, your kids, husbands, etc. that is harmless*

DRAMA:


ANYTHING IN THE FRIENDLY ZONE WHEN USED TO GAIN SOMETHING FOR THE KID OR THEMSELVES. or to intentionally stir the pot OR be mean.

Or my personal favorite: DRAMA DISGUISED AS FAKE CARING ABOUT THE KID OR PARENT.

Ex: When Suzy's Mom says: "I hope Becky is ok. You know this is her third missed practice. Wondering if the coaches are pulling her from point flyer? I heard them talking last week about putting Jenna in her spot ...."

You didn't even really need to say anything past "I hope she's ok." but you really just wanted to gossip.

Learn to shy away from convos once they go from friendly/concerned to "I'm really just sharing to gossip." If you've ever worked in a dramatic work setting, you are probably already good at it.

 

[336Teal]

Unpopular opinion: you are under no obligation to socialize or otherwise interact with other parents at your child's gym just because they cheer there.

Amen. I don’t have to like you and you don’t have to like me. We can coexist peacefully. I have learned keep to myself, I barely speak to anyone. It’s ‘safer’ that way and I don’t have to worry about who is genuine and who is not, and who is going involve me in drama that frankly, I do not have time for.

I think I’ve watched 10 whole minutes of practice this season. I’m usually in my car, at work, or at Starbucks studying. Thankfully the kiddo is old enough that she carpools with friends now so I don’t even have to think about it. Comps, I room alone these days. They can’t put your name in stuff if you’re not even there. Cheerleading is for her, her life, and her social life - not mine (at least not anymore).

I’m sure team moms and program owners have better stuff to do than get involved in parent drama. They’d probably be the last people I’d involve, unless it was spilling over to my kid somehow.

 

[Lisa Seye]

Amen. I don’t have to like you and you don’t have to like me. We can coexist peacefully. I have learned keep to myself, I barely speak to anyone. It’s ‘safer’ that way and I don’t have to worry about who is genuine and who is not, and who is going involve me in drama that frankly, I do not have time for.

I think I’ve watched 10 whole minutes of practice this season. I’m usually in my car, at work, or at Starbucks studying. Thankfully the kiddo is old enough that she carpools with friends now so I don’t even have to think about it. Comps, I room alone these days. They can’t put your name in stuff if you’re not even there. Cheerleading is for her, her life, and her social life - not mine (at least not anymore).

I’m sure team moms and program owners have better stuff to do than get involved in parent drama. They’d probably be the last people I’d involve, unless it was spilling over to my kid somehow.

Yes why number 7 is a popular choice.

 

[oncecoolcoachnowmom]

I keep coming back to this but I think it's because it mirrors so much of what I see with my high school students. I spend so much of my time talking about bullying, gossip, toxic behavior, etc. with kids, teachers, district staff etc.

Something I've noticed is that generally speaking, the most drama-prone student who excludes, stirs the pot, etc. will in 99% of cases have a parent who does the same to other adults, either at work, PTA, etc.

I say that to say : if you are THAT MOM, don't be surprised if your kid is THAT KID.

 

[Power1979]

I am the team mom assigned by the coaches for our S4 team..however I sit by myself with my family far away from everyone at competitions. :). Antidrama this way and I don't have to hear the negativity. As a flyer parent... This keeps me sane and keeps mama bear mode from emerging.

 

[catlady]

My advice to anyone dealing with a snarky person at their gym would be to ignore this person while maintaining a neutral body language. Just play dumb like you don't know that they are being rude. They will leave you alone if they think that you are not upset by their comments or actions.

^This. Drama wants drama in return, if you get offended or hurt that's a drama "win." I found the snarky parents to generally be the insecure ones, the parents that often want specific things for their kids and don't know how to manage that disappointment or elation if it does or doesn't happen for their child.

I have some great friends from the past 8 years that I would have missed out on if I stayed away from the gym. My advice is to sit, listen and find your people. Your people are there, they just aren't always the ones you think they are.

 

[oncecoolcoachnowmom]

Something that I don't think gets talked about enough:

This may be mostly true for Youth Rec/Football and school cheer but at times I think directors and coaches feed this dynamic more than they realize.

It's really important to establish and maintain professional boundaries.

I've been perceived as standoffish because I did not cultivate relationships with parents outside of cheer and really focused on boundaries with people because I did not want anyone to use any perceived favoritism as fuel for drama.

Ex: in the past my son has been in class and on sports teams with a current cheerleader's youngest sibling. No, we're not doing playdates. No we are not coordinating sleepovers or having wine night. Seems innocent enough but all it would take was one time for that athlete to be point flyer, get to be front line at games, or do something else that my girls were big on being able to do, and the drama moms would be all over it.

I know it is probably harder for all stars because of the whole "we're a family" aspect of it. But really, the family dynamic invites favoritism allegations and gives the most dramatic mamas fuel for the fire. Example: Suzy gets invited to owner's daughter's birthday trip to the waterpark, or sleeps over with coaches' daughter every weekend. Or Suzy's mom hangs out with coach after yoga a few times. Then Suzy gets the fill in spot on the Worlds team. Suzy may very well deserve that spot but the Drama Meanie Club is literally all over it like TMZ - and it starts the cycle of treating Suzy's mom poorly, accusing people of playing favorites, the rumor mill, and treating Suzy a certain way.

 

[alpaca]

Something that I don't think gets talked about enough:

This may be mostly true for Youth Rec/Football and school cheer but at times I think directors and coaches feed this dynamic more than they realize.

It's really important to establish and maintain professional boundaries.

I've been perceived as standoffish because I did not cultivate relationships with parents outside of cheer and really focused on boundaries with people because I did not want anyone to use any perceived favoritism as fuel for drama.

Ex: in the past my son has been in class and on sports teams with a current cheerleader's youngest sibling. No, we're not doing playdates. No we are not coordinating sleepovers or having wine night. Seems innocent enough but all it would take was one time for that athlete to be point flyer, get to be front line at games, or do something else that my girls were big on being able to do, and the drama moms would be all over it.

I know it is probably harder for all stars because of the whole "we're a family" aspect of it. But really, the family dynamic invites favoritism allegations and gives the most dramatic mamas fuel for the fire. Example: Suzy gets invited to owner's daughter's birthday trip to the waterpark, or sleeps over with coaches' daughter every weekend. Or Suzy's mom hangs out with coach after yoga a few times. Then Suzy gets the fill in spot on the Worlds team. Suzy may very well deserve that spot but the Drama Meanie Club is literally all over it like TMZ - and it starts the cycle of treating Suzy's mom poorly, accusing people of playing favorites, the rumor mill, and treating Suzy a certain way.

I really like hearing other people's perspectives on this. Because I feel like my experience is different in some ways. Even though i don't love everything about it, I can appreciate that CP's gym has something special going on.

We are in All Star and I sort of hate the whole "family" thing. And believe me, CP's gym is BIG on it. If we were family I wouldn't be paying thousands. Since I am, I consider myself a customer and expect to be treated as such. I will hold the gym owner and coaches accountable in a way that people who really buy into the family thing have a difficult time accepting. And I see that this "family" designation is sometimes exploited by the gym when they fall short in customer service. I think professional boundaries are a good thing and our gym has little concept of them.

Is there some favoritism at the gym? Maybe/Probably? But it's more because coaches have personal favorites rather than favoritism because the owner of friends with Suzie's mom. If your kid is OTT, attention seeking and has 100% performance value, they are a favorite of most coaches regardless of other less desirable attributes. And also regardless of whether your parent is in the 'inner circle' The owner and coaches are truly friends with many parents. They do lots of things together outside of the gym. They have been friends for years. FTR: I am most certainly not part of the inner circle.

Somehow this dynamic works. I have literally never seen drama (at this gym) that stemmed from a kid getting preferential treatment because their parents is friends with coach/owner. If anything, those kids are called on to step in at the last minute and help out. They are dragged to every single social or outreach event. They seem to not be given a 'right to refuse' in the way that more detached families can.

 

[schpo]

We are in All Star and I sort of hate the whole "family" thing. And believe me, CP's gym is BIG on it. If we were family I wouldn't be paying thousands. Since I am, I consider myself a customer and expect to be treated as such. I will hold the gym owner and coaches accountable in a way that people who really buy into the family thing have a difficult time accepting. And I see that this "family" designation is sometimes exploited by the gym when they fall short in customer service.

Amen x 100. That whole “family” thing goes out the window pretty quick if you leave the gym or even question the service you’re paying to receive.

 

[SL&AM]

Something that I don't think gets talked about enough:

This may be mostly true for Youth Rec/Football and school cheer but at times I think directors and coaches feed this dynamic more than they realize.

It's really important to establish and maintain professional boundaries.

This was a big issue in the gym we left. The coach/owners had favorites among the parents. I didn't catch it the first year because I mostly stuck to myself or my car or Starbucks or Target. The second year, when I was out there a lot longer, I saw it more. The irony though, the one mom who I think they saw as a BFF4Eva was the biggest poop-stirrer of any parent in the room. She was one of those who complained and complained and complained, but would never actually say anything when it mattered. If the coach/owners knew even half of what she said when she knew they weren't listening, I doubt she would have been a favorite.

I found avoidance worked until it didn't and I had to be present to witness what my oldest was complaining about. Once that happened, we were gone within weeks. I ran into an cheer mom at a fundraising event earlier this year and she had zero issues slamming and trashing the very gym she continued writing checks too. It makes no sense to me why people stay when they're clearly so miserable.

Amen x 100. That whole “family” thing goes out the window pretty quick if you leave the gym or even question the service you’re paying to receive.

Within an hour of pulling my girls out of our gym, my social media was scrubbed down to blocking anyone who I thought might attempt to message me about what I did. I considered it self preservation at the time.

 

[Serena Brandt]

MEAN MOMS, you can't sit with us.
Great article. Coaches don't want to be involved -yet in the dawn of social media have to be if that is mode of communication.
Owners usually have zero clue what is going on and what if the 'team mom's' daughter is main issue?

Sometimes cheer moms can be more clique-ish than the athletes. Not all, but a handful. It's definitely understandable that it is awkward for new people to get to know each other and it may take a while for new parents to a gym and gym veterans to mesh and feel comfortable with one another. There's nothing wrong with feeling awkward on both sides of that situation. However, some moms (or dads) seem to take satisfaction in being snarky to the new cheer parents to the gym or team. Have you ever had someone be snarky to you no matter how you approached them or tried to fit in with them? Whatever you say or talk about they find some derogatory remark in reply?

Whether you are the new parent, or the veteran, try to remember that we are all here for the same reason, our child's cheer and their team. She (or he) is part of a team, and believe it or not, parents are an extended part of that team. All kinds of personalities get thrown together and you can't expect to like everyone, but you should be expected to treat each other respectfully for the good of the team. There is no reason grown adults are unable to be civil to one another, other than someone refuses to try the mature path.

If you find yourself in this situation, there are a number of ways to handle it. Remember that each person may handle it or react to your efforts to solve it differently based on the personalities involved and the culture of the gym. These are a few approaches:

1. Say something to the snarky parent to try and work it out. Don't be confrontational though. No one responds well to that.
2. Say something to the team mom either for advice or intervention.
3. Say something to the gym owner.
4. Try to ignore the snarky parent, maybe they will stop after a while as it may be their way of testing you. Maybe they won't stop because it's possible they are bullies (remember bullies sometimes continue bullying into adulthood) and they enjoy excluding other parents. If they won't stop, then use other options listed.
5. Ask advice from others, but not every. single. person. in the gym. Try not to be gossipy or complaining. No one wants cheer momma drama.
6. Important! Coaches do not want to be involved and really don't have the time as they are focused on making the team as successful as possible. Try your best not to involve the coaches in cheer momma drama. Gym owners or managers should be your go to. Unless the gym has specifically told you to go to coaches first (my guess is that gyms would ask you to go to the team mom first).
7. You can always drop and run. Don't stay and watch practice if necessary. Go do something fun for you while your athlete is at practice. That's a guarantee that you won't get involved in drama.
8. Vent to a friend if needed but still be respectful.
9. Hang in there for the season. It will be over before you know it. ALWAYS be positive around your athlete.
10. Finally, if you are that mom or dad, stop it. Its ugly.

Yes there are times that you will have to be in the same room as THAT mom. These options may or may not work in all situations.

What are some things that you have done that have worked for you if you have experienced this, whether it was being excluded or being treated in a snarky way?

 

[Serena Brandt]

Amen x 100. That whole “family” thing goes out the window pretty quick if you leave the gym or even question the service you’re paying to receive.

So true! WE Pay! Why do they think they can treat paying customers like crap?

 

[Serena Brandt]

This was a big issue in the gym we left. The coach/owners had favorites among the parents. I didn't catch it the first year because I mostly stuck to myself or my car or Starbucks or Target. The second year, when I was out there a lot longer, I saw it more. The irony though, the one mom who I think they saw as a BFF4Eva was the biggest poop-stirrer of any parent in the room. She was one of those who complained and complained and complained, but would never actually say anything when it mattered. If the coach/owners knew even half of what she said when she knew they weren't listening, I doubt she would have been a favorite.

I found avoidance worked until it didn't and I had to be present to witness what my oldest was complaining about. Once that happened, we were gone within weeks. I ran into an cheer mom at a fundraising event earlier this year and she had zero issues slamming and trashing the very gym she continued writing checks too. It makes no sense to me why people stay when they're clearly so miserable.



Within an hour of pulling my girls out of our gym, my social media was scrubbed down to blocking anyone who I thought might attempt to message me about what I did. I considered it self preservation at the time.

I just don't get how this 'favorites' thing is allowed. Especially at the huge gyms. There literally shouldn't be any relationship with coaches and parents. NONE. And any mean girl issues should be squashed immediately by removing kids from programs. They claim they have no tolerance policies but it's just for show apparently.