All-Star Is Cea Over?

[catlady]

my take is that she wasnt living with her parents at the time of the theft, etc. So while i dont know the backstory as to why she was living on her own at that age, my guess is that she couldnt or didnt feel comfortable reaching out to her family for help. Also she's a teen from my understanding, and in that environment most dont have the know with all to immediately contact the cops, most deal with it probably internally or try to move past it.
Again i find her story messy at best, but if she was friends or living with staff and the coaching staff was generally aware of what was going on, i cant say they are a hundred percent innocent in all of this. If you know your coaching staff or athlete is being accused of stealing and smoking weed with other athletes or staff, and you refuse to address it, that a BIG red flag. Plus if your holding your athletes to certain standards and willing to kick them off for small things that happen outside the gym, but arent willing to do the same to your staff who are doing the exact same thing, that would be another BIG red flag to me. You cant demand your athletes to hold a certain standard of behavior, but then let your staff run lose.

When it comes to "my child isn't being treated nicely," "my child was kicked off a team," "the staff isn't held to the same standard" I get it, those aren't pleasant experiences and parents need to make the call that's best for them and their child. Those parents and kids have every right to share their experiences, and kudos to parents that withdraw their kids and their money when they see their child isn't doing well in a certain environment! On that same note, parents and kids that say they are thriving in that environment should not be flogged by the mob just because their experience wasn't the same, one is not negating the other.

On a totally different level, accusing people of rape, drugs, and race offenses on Twitter is totally different. These things need to be investigated, deserve to have legal counsel, and any emails, texts, videos, etc need to be vetted for legitimacy and determined if they are admissible in court or to be dismissed. The problem with social media, children, and naive adults, is it is very easy to get caught up in the mob mentality and want to play judge, jury and executioner. That's not justice and both sides deserve protection that these mobs can't and won't provide. If Twitter court is what people truly want in the cheer community, then they need to ask themselves who's next? People are naive if they think the mob will stop with CEA.

 

[Sterling von Shimmer]

I assumed based on your response. Apologies

However this board alone has had 2 personal accounts mentioned from parents of kids that have attended or are currently attending CEA. If you don't want to believe the kids. Then believe the parents who have been reporting their stories here for years.

Aa a mother of one child from those stories, I'm still dealing with the aftermath of it. It's not yelling at. Please do not demean what our kids have gone through.

I don’t want to demean what anyone has gone through, and I’m sorry if that’s how I came across. It’s not that I don’t believe the kids — I believe them enough that I’d like to see them report their experience to whoever can do something about it, which I’ve been saying from the start. It’s more about being frustrated as to why they run to Twitter instead. Because when that happens, nothing can be done.

Which puts me in a spot I think a lot of people are in: I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this. For every story that says CEA is terrible, there’s another story that says they’re great. And I’m sure both are true.

Ultimately I think it’s safe to assume, from the consistency of what we’ve been hearing over the years, that the culture at CEA can be a toxic one. But how far that goes shouldn’t be defined by Twitter alone, which I think is what we’re seeing. And that’s why I’d encourage any victim to report their experiences instead of hopping on Twitter and saying things “I was treated like ****” because I don’t know what that means. Were they rightfully scolded for being late? Or physically assaulted? In either scenario, a tweet offers no veracity on the situation. And, more importantly, gets nothing done.

So again, I’m sorry you went through that. I really hope we can all get some clarity on this situation sooner rather than later, because I think we can all agree that we’d like to see consequences unfold for CEA if it’s determined these allegations are true.

 

[justpeachy]

I hesitate to reply to this post because I honestly just don't have the mental energy for it right now, but here I go anyways. Search my name if you need to know my daughter's horror story. This post will not be about those particular details, as I have spoken about it extensively already. I would like to talk about how and why these things end up happening. A little armchair psychology, if you will. This is a somewhat vulnerable conversation for me and I've really had enough getting hated on so if you don't have anything constructive to say, please just don't respond to me. I am tired. I don't want to see anyone destroyed. I want to see behavior changed. Here goes.

We all enjoy seeing our kids succeed, no matter the sport. A new layer of pride is added when your child is able to participate in a renowned program that has a huge following and huge awards displayed all over. Yet another layer is added when your child is on a top team in a top program. It's exciting. Intoxicating. You are now part of an elite "club", or so it is presented to you. A parent could associate that success with their success as a parent. It's not hard to do. How many of you gave yourself a pat on the back when your kid won world's? Don't lie. When we got into that environment and the coaching is not what I had anticipated (I had been warned, but we will address that later), I told myself that "this is just tough coaching" and "this is what it takes to succeed at the elite level" and "these seemingly good parents are okay with this, why wouldn't I be". We all want to see the best in people and sometimes in doing so, we can rationalize behavior that we really should be running from. Some of us are more susceptible than others- for many different reasons. We had no experience in the cheer world to compare this environment to. I truly thought it was that way at every "big" gym and that's just how it was. The behavior seemed to be so widely accepted that I thought I was the one with the issue. I thought that I needed to toughen up and let my kid be coached. I am ashamed to say that there were times when I piled on the criticism and I allowed other moms to lecture my child simply because I believed that was the right thing to do. I had seen stories on this board; I heard rumors. I also saw how those who spoke up were labeled as disgruntled, angry, bitter, crazy, psychotic, didn't get their way, suzy got taken out of the air, you name it. Honestly it's easier to believe that cheer moms are disgruntled and crazy than it is to believe a charming, wildly successful and brilliant adult is guilty of the things of which they were accused (let's be realistic, we are all a little crazy here). I researched both sides of the story before making my decision where my daughter would cheer. People who are abusive are also very often charming and well spoken, and that is evidenced here on this forum if you choose to do the research. Do some research on that personality type and make your own decisions. I am not here to influence your opinions on any particular person, but to help answer questions about HOW this happens and WHY parents allow it. I have said before and I will reiterate, the toxic gym environment parallels the abusive family structure. There are abusers, enablers, flying monkeys that do the abuser's dirty work, golden children, scapegoats, invisible children. There is manipulation, there is gaslighting, there is a give and take (often called love bombing and devaluation) that causes the victim to stay in a fog of questioning themselves and their decisions. Gaslighting causes one to second guess their own reality- is this abuse or am I just being sensitive? Is my child being mistreated or am I being overprotective? Is this tough love or is this abusive? It becomes even more difficult to discern when comments such as: "she is the most talented athlete to ever walk through those doors" "she has the best work ethic of any athlete I've ever coached" "she's one of MY kids" "I love her like my own daughter" are made (and yes these are all actual statements that were made to me when I spoke up about coaching that I didn't approve of). I was made on many occasions to feel that my child was dearly loved and appreciated, and then witnessed contradictory behavior from the same person. It was confusing. I was not sure what to think. I am not alone in this experience. Then, once the fog begins to lift, there is the issue of the child not wanting to leave. The've grown up in this environment, made a bond with friends, coaches, and parents. They don't want to start over in a new program, don't want to make new friends. They just want to be happy where they are. They think if they work harder that will happen. They are not educated on abuse and how they will never please the abusive person. Even if the parent demands that they move to a healthier environment, it is a hard call for the parent to make given their own confusion and the resistance from the child. Often families will come back to the toxic environment, no different than an abused spouse returns to her abuser many times before leaving permanently. This is the nature of abusive relationships. I'm tired now, so I will stop here- there is heaps of information about this kind of relationship on the internet. It is the same mechanism which allows cults to exist and thrive. It exists and it is real and it happens to educated, intelligent people. It takes place in increments and one may not realize what they are involved in until it is too late, and at that point it is difficult to extricate themselves.

For those that asked why people resort to social media instead of going to the USASF or police, I submit to you that we did do those things. Lawyers were contacted- good luck finding someone to sue a cheerleading coach because she was mean to your kid. Police were contacted- good luck getting them to care. USASF was contacted- I was told before even presenting my concern that they can't do anything about verbal abuse (that wasn't even why I called). When I made my complaint about a rule being clearly broken with no gray area whatsoever, I was asked to provide evidence of such, which I promptly did. Months passed, I was not contacted. I inquired and was told that the rule was broken, but no punishment would be given. I was told that for this particular gym going forward, identification would be required for each athlete entering warmups and that would be checked against the roster. That never happened. I followed every proper channel I could get my hands on and nothing was done. So my next step was simply to leave my review on a business in the place where parents come looking for reviews on cheerleading programs (here). There was a lot of support (thank you to those of you) and there was a lot of hate (not gonna lie, that was very hurtful). When an anonymous cheerleading twitter account said some bad things about this particular coach, twitter decided that it was me or my daughter (it was not) and proceeded to try to destroy us. My daughter received actual death threats (the police were at my house making several reports), an actual adult coach threatened to burn down my house, my husband's job was called, my daughter's gym was called, photos of my daughter were lifted from her instagram and used on twitter to somehow discredit the story I shared here, kids called her names at competitions, her age eligibility was called into question at competitions and we were generally blacklisted in this sport. I was told by a friend that I am the most hated mom in cheerleading.... I could go on and on. I think the horror that we went through after speaking out was just as hurtful as the abuse my daughter suffered. And I have seen that happen OVER and OVER when people speak up about abuse in this sport. So say what you want about the young girl who started this. Say what you want about her parents.... but I will tell you that things are not always as they seem, and you may never know or understand certain situations and perhaps it isn't even our business. What matters is this young lady put herself out there at risk of complete annihilation and in doing so opened the door for so many other kids to speak up. I applaud her and you should too.

Lastly, I apologize for my complete disregard for grammar and proper punctuation. I am simply exhausted from dealing with this subject for years on end, and the past few months has been particularly excruciating for my family. I just can't care if my sentence structure is correct, so show some grace. And because I know several of you are just salivating to gnaw my head off, a disclaimer: this is posted simply for educational purposes. I'm not dragging anybody, I'm not absolving myself of my share of responsibility. I'm explaining for those of you who asked HOW and WHY this can happen from my own personal experiences. I will NEVER forgive myself for the things that I allowed my daughter to endure so do not dare come at me. It simply will not be entertained. That said, I was a victim also and it has taken a lot of therapy for me to understand and be able to admit that. I hope and pray my openness and vulnerability will help someone else not to get into the same situation at ANY gym.

Editing to add in case my profile pic causes confusion: my daughter was NOT mistreated at Stingray Allstars- they have treated her with nothing short of kindness and respect and have been critical in her healing process.

 

[Sterling von Shimmer]

I hesitate to reply to this post because I honestly just don't have the mental energy for it right now, but here I go anyways. Search my name if you need to know my daughter's horror story. This post will not be about those particular details, as I have spoken about it extensively already. I would like to talk about how and why these things end up happening. A little armchair psychology, if you will. This is a somewhat vulnerable conversation for me and I've really had enough getting hated on so if you don't have anything constructive to say, please just don't respond to me. I am tired. I don't want to see anyone destroyed. I want to see behavior changed. Here goes.

We all enjoy seeing our kids succeed, no matter the sport. A new layer of pride is added when your child is able to participate in a renowned program that has a huge following and huge awards displayed all over. Yet another layer is added when your child is on a top team in a top program. It's exciting. Intoxicating. You are now part of an elite "club", or so it is presented to you. A parent could associate that success with their success as a parent. It's not hard to do. How many of you gave yourself a pat on the back when your kid won world's? Don't lie. When we got into that environment and the coaching is not what I had anticipated (I had been warned, but we will address that later), I told myself that "this is just tough coaching" and "this is what it takes to succeed at the elite level" and "these seemingly good parents are okay with this, why wouldn't I be". We all want to see the best in people and sometimes in doing so, we can rationalize behavior that we really should be running from. Some of us are more susceptible than others- for many different reasons. We had no experience in the cheer world to compare this environment to. I truly thought it was that way at every "big" gym and that's just how it was. The behavior seemed to be so widely accepted that I thought I was the one with the issue. I thought that I needed to toughen up and let my kid be coached. I am ashamed to say that there were times when I piled on the criticism and I allowed other moms to lecture my child simply because I believed that was the right thing to do. I had seen stories on this board; I heard rumors. I also saw how those who spoke up were labeled as disgruntled, angry, bitter, crazy, psychotic, didn't get their way, suzy got taken out of the air, you name it. Honestly it's easier to believe that cheer moms are disgruntled and crazy than it is to believe a charming, wildly successful and brilliant adult is guilty of the things of which they were accused (let's be realistic, we are all a little crazy here). I researched both sides of the story before making my decision where my daughter would cheer. People who are abusive are also very often charming and well spoken, and that is evidenced here on this forum if you choose to do the research. Do some research on that personality type and make your own decisions. I am not here to influence your opinions on any particular person, but to help answer questions about HOW this happens and WHY parents allow it. I have said before and I will reiterate, the toxic gym environment parallels the abusive family structure. There are abusers, enablers, flying monkeys that do the abuser's dirty work, golden children, scapegoats, invisible children. There is manipulation, there is gaslighting, there is a give and take (often called love bombing and devaluation) that causes the victim to stay in a fog of questioning themselves and their decisions. Gaslighting causes one to second guess their own reality- is this abuse or am I just being sensitive? Is my child being mistreated or am I being overprotective? Is this tough love or is this abusive? It becomes even more difficult to discern when comments such as: "she is the most talented athlete to ever walk through those doors" "she has the best work ethic of any athlete I've ever coached" "she's one of MY kids" "I love her like my own daughter" are made (and yes these are all actual statements that were made to me when I spoke up about coaching that I didn't approve of). I was made on many occasions to feel that my child was dearly loved and appreciated, and then witnessed contradictory behavior from the same person. It was confusing. I was not sure what to think. I am not alone in this experience. Then, once the fog begins to lift, there is the issue of the child not wanting to leave. The've grown up in this environment, made a bond with friends, coaches, and parents. They don't want to start over in a new program, don't want to make new friends. They just want to be happy where they are. They think if they work harder that will happen. They are not educated on abuse and how they will never please the abusive person. Even if the parent demands that they move to a healthier environment, it is a hard call for the parent to make given their own confusion and the resistance from the child. Often families will come back to the toxic environment, no different than an abused spouse returns to her abuser many times before leaving permanently. This is the nature of abusive relationships. I'm tired now, so I will stop here- there is heaps of information about this kind of relationship on the internet. It is the same mechanism which allows cults to exist and thrive. It exists and it is real and it happens to educated, intelligent people. It takes place in increments and one may not realize what they are involved in until it is too late, and at that point it is difficult to extricate themselves.

For those that asked why people resort to social media instead of going to the USASF or police, I submit to you that we did do those things. Lawyers were contacted- good luck finding someone to sue a cheerleading coach because she was mean to your kid. Police were contacted- good luck getting them to care. USASF was contacted- I was told before even presenting my concern that they can't do anything about verbal abuse (that wasn't even why I called). When I made my complaint about a rule being clearly broken with no gray area whatsoever, I was asked to provide evidence of such, which I promptly did. Months passed, I was not contacted. I inquired and was told that the rule was broken, but no punishment would be given. I was told that for this particular gym going forward, identification would be required for each athlete entering warmups and that would be checked against the roster. That never happened. I followed every proper channel I could get my hands on and nothing was done. So my next step was simply to leave my review on a business in the place where parents come looking for reviews on cheerleading programs (here). There was a lot of support (thank you to those of you) and there was a lot of hate (not gonna lie, that was very hurtful). When an anonymous cheerleading twitter account said some bad things about this particular coach, twitter decided that it was me or my daughter (it was not) and proceeded to try to destroy us. My daughter received actual death threats (the police were at my house making several reports), an actual adult coach threatened to burn down my house, my husband's job was called, my daughter's gym was called, photos of my daughter were lifted from her instagram and used on twitter to somehow discredit the story I shared here, kids called her names at competitions, her age eligibility was called into question at competitions and we were generally blacklisted in this sport. I was told by a friend that I am the most hated mom in cheerleading.... I could go on and on. I think the horror that we went through after speaking out was just as hurtful as the abuse my daughter suffered. And I have seen that happen OVER and OVER when people speak up about abuse in this sport. So say what you want about the young girl who started this. Say what you want about her parents.... but I will tell you that things are not always as they seem, and you may never know or understand certain situations and perhaps it isn't even our business. What matters is this young lady put herself out there at risk of complete annihilation and in doing so opened the door for so many other kids to speak up. I applaud her and you should too.

Lastly, I apologize for my complete disregard for grammar and proper punctuation. I am simply exhausted from dealing with this subject for years on end, and the past few months has been particularly excruciating for my family. I just can't care if my sentence structure is correct, so show some grace. And because I know several of you are just salivating to gnaw my head off, a disclaimer: this is posted simply for educational purposes. I'm not dragging anybody, I'm not absolving myself of my share of responsibility. I'm explaining for those of you who asked HOW and WHY this can happen from my own personal experiences. I will NEVER forgive myself for the things that I allowed my daughter to endure so do not dare come at me. It simply will not be entertained. That said, I was a victim also and it has taken a lot of therapy for me to understand and be able to admit that. I hope and pray my openness and vulnerability will help someone else not to get into the same situation at ANY gym.

Editing to add in case my profile pic causes confusion: my daughter was NOT mistreated at Stingray Allstars- they have treated her with nothing short of kindness and respect and have been critical in her healing process.

I’m sorry you went through that. I’m even sorrier that you tried to take steps to fix it and nothing happened. It’s my sincere hope that the allegations swirling in the cheer world — namely the ones that stem from the “Cheer” athletes — will ultimately lead to some changes at USAF regarding how they handle sexual abuse since it sounds like their policies are ineffective at best, nonexistent at worst. And it appears that those policies aren’t the only ones that are incredibly lax.

Regarding the mental and emotional abuse of athletes, unfortunately I don’t see a clear fix. Like you said, someone being mean to your kid doesn’t really register as a top priority crime. But I don’t think anyone would blame you for staying. I think we’ve all been in a position where you question your own perception of things, decide you’re just being sensitive/unrealistic/entitled, and then hang in there because it’s easier than accepting that your coach/boss/friend sucks and leaving. And I think that’s doubly understandable when the environment is an athletic one where a “tough love” approach has been shown to work. I’d imagine it can be hard to discern what’s part of the process and what is mistreatment.

 

[DonePaying4Cheer]

Something I will say in defense of the athletes themselves:

When people are speaking out and leveling very serious accusations like rape, abuse, etc. (Very serious and important to bring up.) -

It IS a tad lame for ex-CEA athletes to now pile on with really insignificant stories such as:

"I was on Minis/Youth with (insert high-profile current SE athlete here) for 8 months and she was so mean and made me need therapy and hate cheer."

Um. I am not trying to invalidate anyone but this athlete had to be in THIRD grade at the time. Give her a break. Really. You can't ascertain someone's whole personality from being on a team once with them when they were like 8.

The equivalent of someone tweeting that 30+ me was mean to them on our 5th grade rec team. Sorry?

Alot of what I am now seeing is trolling by other accounts who are posting petty things to discredit the others who feel liberated to make these claims.

I think it's ironic that we are on a message board, where parents have made these types of allegations in the past, talking about how Twitter (essentially a message board) is an inappropriate place to post grievences.

Finally, I am a survivor of childhood abuse. When you are a child, you blame yourself for everything; if your parents divorce, if you break an arm, if your mom cries, if your dad is in a bad mood... It's very difficult to name what makes you uncomfortable. Very often you think that if you are a good little girl/boy, things will get better. As you get older and the abusive behaviors become routine, you begin willingly participate and bide your time until you are old enough to get away. You never mention the abuse because you may have liked and respected your abuser. They treated you "well" most of the time. They gave you access and secret privileges. They trusted you. Of course you cannot see that what you are accessing is inappropriate or the price of these "priveleges". So you live with the guilt and shame. But, times change, "me too" is a thing and it is no longer taboo to share experiences with strangers across the world. It's now common for people to use social media like Tiktok, Facebook and Twitter to share their truth. I imagine that this must be liberating. I didn't have these outlets, so I bottled it up along with all the self~loathing until I was a parent and then realized that I needed to be healthier for MY children.

All of this to say, if you have never been manipulated or abused, please don't second guess people's experiences. Narcissists thrive on manipulation and if you think that there are no narcissistic, abusive predators in positions of power over children in cheer, you have not been paying attention.
Look at the posts with an eye of empathy and discernment. Then you will be able to extrapolate those that are real from the spammers. Even though it remains to be seen if anything will come of this, from what I am reading, the graphic descriptions and the specificity of the episodes, many of their claims sound familiar to me, and therefore, real.

 

[DonePaying4Cheer]

I hesitate to reply to this post because I honestly just don't have the mental energy for it right now, but here I go anyways. Search my name if you need to know my daughter's horror story. This post will not be about those particular details, as I have spoken about it extensively already. I would like to talk about how and why these things end up happening. A little armchair psychology, if you will. This is a somewhat vulnerable conversation for me and I've really had enough getting hated on so if you don't have anything constructive to say, please just don't respond to me. I am tired. I don't want to see anyone destroyed. I want to see behavior changed. Here goes.

We all enjoy seeing our kids succeed, no matter the sport. A new layer of pride is added when your child is able to participate in a renowned program that has a huge following and huge awards displayed all over. Yet another layer is added when your child is on a top team in a top program. It's exciting. Intoxicating. You are now part of an elite "club", or so it is presented to you. A parent could associate that success with their success as a parent. It's not hard to do. How many of you gave yourself a pat on the back when your kid won world's? Don't lie. When we got into that environment and the coaching is not what I had anticipated (I had been warned, but we will address that later), I told myself that "this is just tough coaching" and "this is what it takes to succeed at the elite level" and "these seemingly good parents are okay with this, why wouldn't I be". We all want to see the best in people and sometimes in doing so, we can rationalize behavior that we really should be running from. Some of us are more susceptible than others- for many different reasons. We had no experience in the cheer world to compare this environment to. I truly thought it was that way at every "big" gym and that's just how it was. The behavior seemed to be so widely accepted that I thought I was the one with the issue. I thought that I needed to toughen up and let my kid be coached. I am ashamed to say that there were times when I piled on the criticism and I allowed other moms to lecture my child simply because I believed that was the right thing to do. I had seen stories on this board; I heard rumors. I also saw how those who spoke up were labeled as disgruntled, angry, bitter, crazy, psychotic, didn't get their way, suzy got taken out of the air, you name it. Honestly it's easier to believe that cheer moms are disgruntled and crazy than it is to believe a charming, wildly successful and brilliant adult is guilty of the things of which they were accused (let's be realistic, we are all a little crazy here). I researched both sides of the story before making my decision where my daughter would cheer. People who are abusive are also very often charming and well spoken, and that is evidenced here on this forum if you choose to do the research. Do some research on that personality type and make your own decisions. I am not here to influence your opinions on any particular person, but to help answer questions about HOW this happens and WHY parents allow it. I have said before and I will reiterate, the toxic gym environment parallels the abusive family structure. There are abusers, enablers, flying monkeys that do the abuser's dirty work, golden children, scapegoats, invisible children. There is manipulation, there is gaslighting, there is a give and take (often called love bombing and devaluation) that causes the victim to stay in a fog of questioning themselves and their decisions. Gaslighting causes one to second guess their own reality- is this abuse or am I just being sensitive? Is my child being mistreated or am I being overprotective? Is this tough love or is this abusive? It becomes even more difficult to discern when comments such as: "she is the most talented athlete to ever walk through those doors" "she has the best work ethic of any athlete I've ever coached" "she's one of MY kids" "I love her like my own daughter" are made (and yes these are all actual statements that were made to me when I spoke up about coaching that I didn't approve of). I was made on many occasions to feel that my child was dearly loved and appreciated, and then witnessed contradictory behavior from the same person. It was confusing. I was not sure what to think. I am not alone in this experience. Then, once the fog begins to lift, there is the issue of the child not wanting to leave. The've grown up in this environment, made a bond with friends, coaches, and parents. They don't want to start over in a new program, don't want to make new friends. They just want to be happy where they are. They think if they work harder that will happen. They are not educated on abuse and how they will never please the abusive person. Even if the parent demands that they move to a healthier environment, it is a hard call for the parent to make given their own confusion and the resistance from the child. Often families will come back to the toxic environment, no different than an abused spouse returns to her abuser many times before leaving permanently. This is the nature of abusive relationships. I'm tired now, so I will stop here- there is heaps of information about this kind of relationship on the internet. It is the same mechanism which allows cults to exist and thrive. It exists and it is real and it happens to educated, intelligent people. It takes place in increments and one may not realize what they are involved in until it is too late, and at that point it is difficult to extricate themselves.

For those that asked why people resort to social media instead of going to the USASF or police, I submit to you that we did do those things. Lawyers were contacted- good luck finding someone to sue a cheerleading coach because she was mean to your kid. Police were contacted- good luck getting them to care. USASF was contacted- I was told before even presenting my concern that they can't do anything about verbal abuse (that wasn't even why I called). When I made my complaint about a rule being clearly broken with no gray area whatsoever, I was asked to provide evidence of such, which I promptly did. Months passed, I was not contacted. I inquired and was told that the rule was broken, but no punishment would be given. I was told that for this particular gym going forward, identification would be required for each athlete entering warmups and that would be checked against the roster. That never happened. I followed every proper channel I could get my hands on and nothing was done. So my next step was simply to leave my review on a business in the place where parents come looking for reviews on cheerleading programs (here). There was a lot of support (thank you to those of you) and there was a lot of hate (not gonna lie, that was very hurtful). When an anonymous cheerleading twitter account said some bad things about this particular coach, twitter decided that it was me or my daughter (it was not) and proceeded to try to destroy us. My daughter received actual death threats (the police were at my house making several reports), an actual adult coach threatened to burn down my house, my husband's job was called, my daughter's gym was called, photos of my daughter were lifted from her instagram and used on twitter to somehow discredit the story I shared here, kids called her names at competitions, her age eligibility was called into question at competitions and we were generally blacklisted in this sport. I was told by a friend that I am the most hated mom in cheerleading.... I could go on and on. I think the horror that we went through after speaking out was just as hurtful as the abuse my daughter suffered. And I have seen that happen OVER and OVER when people speak up about abuse in this sport. So say what you want about the young girl who started this. Say what you want about her parents.... but I will tell you that things are not always as they seem, and you may never know or understand certain situations and perhaps it isn't even our business. What matters is this young lady put herself out there at risk of complete annihilation and in doing so opened the door for so many other kids to speak up. I applaud her and you should too.

Lastly, I apologize for my complete disregard for grammar and proper punctuation. I am simply exhausted from dealing with this subject for years on end, and the past few months has been particularly excruciating for my family. I just can't care if my sentence structure is correct, so show some grace. And because I know several of you are just salivating to gnaw my head off, a disclaimer: this is posted simply for educational purposes. I'm not dragging anybody, I'm not absolving myself of my share of responsibility. I'm explaining for those of you who asked HOW and WHY this can happen from my own personal experiences. I will NEVER forgive myself for the things that I allowed my daughter to endure so do not dare come at me. It simply will not be entertained. That said, I was a victim also and it has taken a lot of therapy for me to understand and be able to admit that. I hope and pray my openness and vulnerability will help someone else not to get into the same situation at ANY gym.

Editing to add in case my profile pic causes confusion: my daughter was NOT mistreated at Stingray Allstars- they have treated her with nothing short of kindness and respect and have been critical in her healing process.

I am praying that your daughter makes it to the other side. Have hope. I made it to the other side of managing my PTSD and depression and I believe she can too.

 

[justpeachy]

I am praying that your daughter makes it to the other side. Have hope. I made it to the other side of managing my PTSD and depression and I believe she can too.

She’s very close, after having struggled badly in recent months. Saying her experience out loud on Twitter was cathartic for her.

 

[CoachTamara]

I hesitate to reply to this post because I honestly just don't have the mental energy for it right now, but here I go anyways. Search my name if you need to know my daughter's horror story. This post will not be about those particular details, as I have spoken about it extensively already. I would like to talk about how and why these things end up happening. A little armchair psychology, if you will. This is a somewhat vulnerable conversation for me and I've really had enough getting hated on so if you don't have anything constructive to say, please just don't respond to me. I am tired. I don't want to see anyone destroyed. I want to see behavior changed. Here goes.

We all enjoy seeing our kids succeed, no matter the sport. A new layer of pride is added when your child is able to participate in a renowned program that has a huge following and huge awards displayed all over. Yet another layer is added when your child is on a top team in a top program. It's exciting. Intoxicating. You are now part of an elite "club", or so it is presented to you. A parent could associate that success with their success as a parent. It's not hard to do. How many of you gave yourself a pat on the back when your kid won world's? Don't lie. When we got into that environment and the coaching is not what I had anticipated (I had been warned, but we will address that later), I told myself that "this is just tough coaching" and "this is what it takes to succeed at the elite level" and "these seemingly good parents are okay with this, why wouldn't I be". We all want to see the best in people and sometimes in doing so, we can rationalize behavior that we really should be running from. Some of us are more susceptible than others- for many different reasons. We had no experience in the cheer world to compare this environment to. I truly thought it was that way at every "big" gym and that's just how it was. The behavior seemed to be so widely accepted that I thought I was the one with the issue. I thought that I needed to toughen up and let my kid be coached. I am ashamed to say that there were times when I piled on the criticism and I allowed other moms to lecture my child simply because I believed that was the right thing to do. I had seen stories on this board; I heard rumors. I also saw how those who spoke up were labeled as disgruntled, angry, bitter, crazy, psychotic, didn't get their way, suzy got taken out of the air, you name it. Honestly it's easier to believe that cheer moms are disgruntled and crazy than it is to believe a charming, wildly successful and brilliant adult is guilty of the things of which they were accused (let's be realistic, we are all a little crazy here). I researched both sides of the story before making my decision where my daughter would cheer. People who are abusive are also very often charming and well spoken, and that is evidenced here on this forum if you choose to do the research. Do some research on that personality type and make your own decisions. I am not here to influence your opinions on any particular person, but to help answer questions about HOW this happens and WHY parents allow it. I have said before and I will reiterate, the toxic gym environment parallels the abusive family structure. There are abusers, enablers, flying monkeys that do the abuser's dirty work, golden children, scapegoats, invisible children. There is manipulation, there is gaslighting, there is a give and take (often called love bombing and devaluation) that causes the victim to stay in a fog of questioning themselves and their decisions. Gaslighting causes one to second guess their own reality- is this abuse or am I just being sensitive? Is my child being mistreated or am I being overprotective? Is this tough love or is this abusive? It becomes even more difficult to discern when comments such as: "she is the most talented athlete to ever walk through those doors" "she has the best work ethic of any athlete I've ever coached" "she's one of MY kids" "I love her like my own daughter" are made (and yes these are all actual statements that were made to me when I spoke up about coaching that I didn't approve of). I was made on many occasions to feel that my child was dearly loved and appreciated, and then witnessed contradictory behavior from the same person. It was confusing. I was not sure what to think. I am not alone in this experience. Then, once the fog begins to lift, there is the issue of the child not wanting to leave. The've grown up in this environment, made a bond with friends, coaches, and parents. They don't want to start over in a new program, don't want to make new friends. They just want to be happy where they are. They think if they work harder that will happen. They are not educated on abuse and how they will never please the abusive person. Even if the parent demands that they move to a healthier environment, it is a hard call for the parent to make given their own confusion and the resistance from the child. Often families will come back to the toxic environment, no different than an abused spouse returns to her abuser many times before leaving permanently. This is the nature of abusive relationships. I'm tired now, so I will stop here- there is heaps of information about this kind of relationship on the internet. It is the same mechanism which allows cults to exist and thrive. It exists and it is real and it happens to educated, intelligent people. It takes place in increments and one may not realize what they are involved in until it is too late, and at that point it is difficult to extricate themselves.

For those that asked why people resort to social media instead of going to the USASF or police, I submit to you that we did do those things. Lawyers were contacted- good luck finding someone to sue a cheerleading coach because she was mean to your kid. Police were contacted- good luck getting them to care. USASF was contacted- I was told before even presenting my concern that they can't do anything about verbal abuse (that wasn't even why I called). When I made my complaint about a rule being clearly broken with no gray area whatsoever, I was asked to provide evidence of such, which I promptly did. Months passed, I was not contacted. I inquired and was told that the rule was broken, but no punishment would be given. I was told that for this particular gym going forward, identification would be required for each athlete entering warmups and that would be checked against the roster. That never happened. I followed every proper channel I could get my hands on and nothing was done. So my next step was simply to leave my review on a business in the place where parents come looking for reviews on cheerleading programs (here). There was a lot of support (thank you to those of you) and there was a lot of hate (not gonna lie, that was very hurtful). When an anonymous cheerleading twitter account said some bad things about this particular coach, twitter decided that it was me or my daughter (it was not) and proceeded to try to destroy us. My daughter received actual death threats (the police were at my house making several reports), an actual adult coach threatened to burn down my house, my husband's job was called, my daughter's gym was called, photos of my daughter were lifted from her instagram and used on twitter to somehow discredit the story I shared here, kids called her names at competitions, her age eligibility was called into question at competitions and we were generally blacklisted in this sport. I was told by a friend that I am the most hated mom in cheerleading.... I could go on and on. I think the horror that we went through after speaking out was just as hurtful as the abuse my daughter suffered. And I have seen that happen OVER and OVER when people speak up about abuse in this sport. So say what you want about the young girl who started this. Say what you want about her parents.... but I will tell you that things are not always as they seem, and you may never know or understand certain situations and perhaps it isn't even our business. What matters is this young lady put herself out there at risk of complete annihilation and in doing so opened the door for so many other kids to speak up. I applaud her and you should too.

Lastly, I apologize for my complete disregard for grammar and proper punctuation. I am simply exhausted from dealing with this subject for years on end, and the past few months has been particularly excruciating for my family. I just can't care if my sentence structure is correct, so show some grace. And because I know several of you are just salivating to gnaw my head off, a disclaimer: this is posted simply for educational purposes. I'm not dragging anybody, I'm not absolving myself of my share of responsibility. I'm explaining for those of you who asked HOW and WHY this can happen from my own personal experiences. I will NEVER forgive myself for the things that I allowed my daughter to endure so do not dare come at me. It simply will not be entertained. That said, I was a victim also and it has taken a lot of therapy for me to understand and be able to admit that. I hope and pray my openness and vulnerability will help someone else not to get into the same situation at ANY gym.

Editing to add in case my profile pic causes confusion: my daughter was NOT mistreated at Stingray Allstars- they have treated her with nothing short of kindness and respect and have been critical in her healing process.

I have thought of you often over the years and commend you for being a strong parent above all else. Your daughter is lucky to have you. Your story has stuck with me for all this time, and has had an impact on how I view coaching, parenting, and putting my daughter in this sport. It's unfortunate that a sport that can give us so much has harmed so many. I wish you nothing but the best, and thank you for coming back to shed even more light on this. There is something to be said for someone that speaks up when everyone is trying to silence them.

 

[SL&AM]

@justpeachy I just wanted to say thank you for your willingness to come back here and continue to share you and your CPs story. I know it’s not easy and I remembered the thread you referenced. You didn’t deserve the hate slung at you.

 

[justpeachy]

@CoachTamara @SL&AM thank you for your kind words. This has not been an easy road to walk. But there was never any question about what had to be done. I don't know if you have kids, but I will tell you that watching your kid hurt how I did will produce a superhuman strength inside of any of us.

Your support, both then and now, gave me strength and hope. There is good in this sport, even in the places that need work. Changes can happen, but we have to be brave enough to push. Thank you for helping me be brave.

 

[SL&AM]

I didn’t want this comment to be attached to the one above so I’ve made a second post.

I did my own digging into the allegations about the Abilities team and have determined they were credible. My thoughts and feelings are not for public consumption but we will start with disgust.

In general, I think it’s really easy to judge from our armchairs of what we would do, how a situation should have been handled...etc. Lord knows I’m guilty of this enough here, the irony isn’t lost on me.

I yanked my kids from this sport 5 years ago. After having successful cheer seasons in another state it seemed only natural to enroll my older when we moved back to FL. Our personal/work life were in an upheaval and cheer was a constant for her. I found a gym that would place her in an age appropriate team and they had a good year. She was happy, and while it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, it was a good year. The next seasons the try out process changed and they did summer groups with teams announced at the end of summer. My CP wasn’t the strongest tumbler but she was a strong flyer. For that reason alone she was aged up significantly. There were a few other girls her age so I didn’t fight it though I had my reservations.

The gym had an out of area coach come in from time to time and he’d do tumbling privates. Our first year at the gym she saw him a few times. The first time he would come out and talk to the parents about drills to work on, technique stuff...etc. When he came out to talk to me his feedback was “She is awesome! She is so determined, she wants it!” One year later his feedback was, “She’s here but she’s not here. I don’t think she wants it anymore.” One year y’all.

At the time, it was very easy to blame the older peer who seemed to be running the team. The team was not a good fit, their competitions were awful, parent unrest was high...etc. Mid-Season the gym moved locations from a building where the kids were far removed from the parent section to a location where you could see and hear everything. I pulled my kids 3 months into the new location when I could see first hand how practices were being run. This wasn’t a worlds team, yet the coaching was toxic.

I also became the coaches scapegoat. At our last competition we attended, several parents were talking about what to do next. Our area has several gyms and there was talk of a move. I shrugged my shoulders and said we’d just go to xxx because it’s closer to my house. I was then called into a meeting with the coach where he attempted to gaslight, lie and degrade me. My kids never stepped foot in that gym again.

If you say the word cheerleading she stills shutters. She went to therapy to overcome the seeds of doubt her coach planted in her head. She switched sports completely and has never looked back.

Former CPs coach will never know the damage he did and he will never be held liable. What he did was awful but not illegal. So I refuse to judge these people sharing their stories on Twitter to harshly. Bill Cosby was taken down because the right person heard a joke told multiple times and decided to share her story. There is safety in numbers and I hope they all keep speaking. My former CP will never have justice, but these athletes still can. And I will continue to champion them from the side.

 

[justpeachy]

I didn’t want this comment to be attached to the one above so I’ve made a second post.

I did my own digging into the allegations about the Abilities team and have determined they were credible. My thoughts and feelings are not for public consumption but we will start with disgust.

In general, I think it’s really easy to judge from our armchairs of what we would do, how a situation should have been handled...etc. Lord knows I’m guilty of this enough here, the irony isn’t lost on me.

I yanked my kids from this sport 5 years ago. After having successful cheer seasons in another state it seemed only natural to enroll my older when we moved back to FL. Our personal/work life were in an upheaval and cheer was a constant for her. I found a gym that would place her in an age appropriate team and they had a good year. She was happy, and while it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, it was a good year. The next seasons the try out process changed and they did summer groups with teams announced at the end of summer. My CP wasn’t the strongest tumbler but she was a strong flyer. For that reason alone she was aged up significantly. There were a few other girls her age so I didn’t fight it though I had my reservations.

The gym had an out of area coach come in from time to time and he’d do tumbling privates. Our first year at the gym she saw him a few times. The first time he would come out and talk to the parents about drills to work on, technique stuff...etc. When he came out to talk to me his feedback was “She is awesome! She is so determined, she wants it!” One year later his feedback was, “She’s here but she’s not here. I don’t think she wants it anymore.” One year y’all.

At the time, it was very easy to blame the older peer who seemed to be running the team. The team was not a good fit, their competitions were awful, parent unrest was high...etc. Mid-Season the gym moved locations from a building where the kids were far removed from the parent section to a location where you could see and hear everything. I pulled my kids 3 months into the new location when I could see first hand how practices were being run. This wasn’t a worlds team, yet the coaching was toxic.

I also became the coaches scapegoat. At our last competition we attended, several parents were talking about what to do next. Our area has several gyms and there was talk of a move. I shrugged my shoulders and said we’d just go to xxx because it’s closer to my house. I was then called into a meeting with the coach where he attempted to gaslight, lie and degrade me. My kids never stepped foot in that gym again.

If you say the word cheerleading she stills shutters. She went to therapy to overcome the seeds of doubt her coach planted in her head. She switched sports completely and has never looked back.

Former CPs coach will never know the damage he did and he will never be held liable. What he did was awful but not illegal. So I refuse to judge these people sharing their stories on Twitter to harshly. Bill Cosby was taken down because the right person heard a joke told multiple times and decided to share her story. There is safety in numbers and I hope they all keep speaking. My former CP will never have justice, but these athletes still can. And I will continue to champion them from the side.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm deeply sorry that you understand.

 

[SL&AM]

Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm deeply sorry that you understand.

Thank you. My former CP jumped head first into a different sport where she has thrived. She is currently sidelined due to an injury but she’ll be back out soon enough. When her thoughts turn negative and the self doubt kicks in, I know where that started and I hate myself for it.

CEA isn’t the first gym who has these problems and they won’t be the last if more isn’t done. I don’t have all the answers on how to fix this but I know more can be done and I hope it is.

 

[DonePaying4Cheer]

From one of the more famous athletes from CEA.

If anyone should have had a great cheer experience, it's her. 2x World champion? But...

I think is great that these young women are finding comfort with each other. I bet many of them thought they were the only ones, or crazy, or overly "sensitive". As women, we have to use opportunities to unburden ourselves and speak our truth. Speak truth to power how ever we can. There seems to never be the right time, never be the "appropriate" place or manner for women and marginalized peoples to speak up/out. So we sit in silence, alone.

It almost brought me to tears when one of the girls I posted said it was the best day of her life seeing the posts and being able to speak up. Check it: her ENTIRE life. That's powerful.

I keep saying that's all. But, I feel for these girls so much. I identify with them. I'm glad my daughter showed me this. Since the cheer world is small for these athletes, she knew some of the "anonymous" athletes and recognized their stories.

I can't help but think about Larry Nasser. Young women complained for years. People said "he's respected" "there's no proof" "these are bitter brats & their parents" Until a local newspaper broke the story. No one believed them while their gymnastic Olympic hopes were ruined. Their innocence and self image was shattered.

Think about the similarities.

 

[oncecoolcoachnowmom]

From one of the more famous athletes from CEA.

If anyone should have had a great cheer experience, it's her. 2x World champion? But...

I think is great that these young women are finding comfort with each other. I bet many of them thought they were the only ones, or crazy, or overly "sensitive". As women, we have to use opportunities to unburden ourselves and speak our truth. Speak truth to power how ever we can. There seems to never be the right time, never be the "appropriate" place or manner for women and marginalized peoples to speak up/out. So we sit in silence, alone.

It almost brought me to tears when one of the girls I posted said it was the best day of her life seeing the posts and being able to speak up. Check it: her ENTIRE life. That's powerful.

I keep saying that's all. But, I feel for these girls so much. I identify with them. I'm glad my daughter showed me this. Since the cheer world is small for these athletes, she knew some of the "anonymous" athletes and recognized their stories.

I can't help but think about Larry Nasser. Young women complained for years. People said "he's respected" "there's no proof" "these are bitter brats & their parents" Until a local newspaper broke the story. No one believed them while their gymnastic Olympic hopes were ruined. Their innocence and self image was shattered.

Think about the similarities.

I believe this person (JZ) has cheered at both Raleigh and Kernersville, too. So she has been at both and knows both. (I feel like she was on SE early on but went to Ral and was on SSX - my memory is fuzzy bc I wasn't paying super close attention to cheer at that time.)