Sot Bullying

[Tuan Nguyen]

Thanks sherry for the reply. Ultimately I want my daughter to be happy and excited to cheer and love what she does. I really thought winning was important and she and her team the past two years have done it. Unfortunately it has come at a cost. My daughter finally broke down and told me what has been going on with the verbal abuse and looking at her look so defeated in a sport that should be fun at her age is disappointing. I don't agree with this type of coaching style in any sport. I truly believe the owners of this gym to be good guys but have lost control of how there coaches handle these athlete's at such a young age. She is going to take a year off from competition and work with another gym to maintain her skill set and hopefully regain the love for cheer, win or lose will no longer be a factor.

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[Mclovin]

I shudder at the thought that what allegedly happened to the OP's child is being called bullying. We are starting to use the word "bully" as loosely as we use the word "love".

I have coached for many many years around many different coaches with many different styles of coaching. Some I found to be very harsh, some too soft, but never would I call it bullying. I find it impossible to coach 100% positive 100% of the time. I absolutely love kids and I love my job as a coach, but there have been many times I've had to be hard on a kid. Some kids are sensitive and take everything you say very personally. That does not make it bullying. I do believe as a coach you have to figure out what "style" of coaching works for each individual athlete. Some work harder when you call them out and make them accountable in front of their teammates, some you have to be more gentle with your approach. But again, we need to be very careful when using the word bullying. -- JMO

My educated guess is that this coach may have crossed the line that day by "laughing" while speaking to the athlete, but I bet there were many other days, other practices that he also praised her or gave her words of encouragement. A bully doesn't encourage or praise EVER. Their sole intentions are to continually berate and degrade the person to the point of losing all self-esteem. Are we saying that is what happened here?

 

[Tuan Nguyen]

I believe in discipline and praise as well however don't except anyone regardless of position of authority to talk down to a minor in anyway to get them to execute a stunt or pass. I would not bring this to the fore front if it was just a bad day. This has to stop with gyms that have this culture of tearing athletes down mentally to get what they want. I failed as a parent to realize that this was happening to my child. I am hard on my kids when I have to be but I always pick them back up and put them back together. You mention coaching style. How does one feel when one belittles a 9 year old? This is not coaching! People that say it's just the culture of cheer or culture of the gym your at and need to move on to the next gym are contributing to acceptance of this so called coaching "style" you speak of.

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[Mclovin]

I believe in discipline and praise as well however don't except anyone regardless of position of authority to talk down to a minor in anyway to get them to execute a stunt or pass. I would not bring this to the fore front if it was just a bad day. This has to stop with gyms that have this culture of tearing athletes down mentally to get what they want. I failed as a parent to realize that this was happening to my child. I am hard on my kids when I have to be but I always pick them back up and put them back together. You mention coaching style. How does one feel when one belittles a 9 year old? This is not coaching! People that say it's just the culture of cheer or culture of the gym your at and need to move on to the next gym are contributing to acceptance of this so called coaching "style" you speak of.

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What are you considering "belittling" or "talking down to"? Because in ANY sport where an athlete is not practicing or performing to their own personal capabilities, a coach has a duty to that athlete and to the team to fix the problem. That cannot always be done by saying "it's okay Susie, we understand you're having a bad day. It's okay to not throw your pass today. You'll be better tomorrow." That's just not the reality of competitive sports. So I would need to know specifics of what was being said and how often that was being said before I could label it bullying.

 

[CheerMomNTx]

I have seen that style of coaching in ALL sports so it's not only applicable to allstar cheer. Like an earlier post said, each gym has their own style depending on what they want to accomplish. If this coach is saying, 'you are too ugly to be a flyer or you are too fat to be center jumper, then yes, that would be bullying. Expecting a child to do their job on a team and getting reprimanded for not doing so, that's not bullying.

 

[Tuan Nguyen]

What are you considering "belittling" or "talking down to"? Because in ANY sport where an athlete is not practicing or performing to their own personal capabilities, a coach has a duty to that athlete and to the team to fix the problem. That cannot always be done by saying "it's okay Susie, we understand you're having a bad day. It's okay to not throw your pass today. You'll be better tomorrow." That's just not the reality of competitive sports. So I would need to know specifics of what was being said and how often that was being said before I could label it bullying.

I am as hardcore as you can get when it comes to discipline and motivation. I am not asking or expecting for any coach to walk on egg shells when an athlete does not perform or needs to be disciplined. I've played sports at a high level all they way thru College and absolutely understand the need for a coach to get in an athletes face when necessary. But never ever laugh, criticize and talk about an athlete to another athlete in a negative light. Unacceptable. I appreciate your feedback and coaching experience that you have shared but this situation with my daughter and others at the gym is disappointing to hear and to first hand experience it is very disappointing. I heard about this 3 years ago when my daughter first joined the gym and just put it off as the parent or parents are being to sensitive and need to suck it up. I found myself being very tough with her when I saw or heard that she was not performing her mandatory skills for the team but I would never talk down, criticize and belittle her on any athlete no matter what sport.

 

[quitthedrama]

I believe in discipline and praise as well however don't except anyone regardless of position of authority to talk down to a minor in anyway to get them to execute a stunt or pass. I would not bring this to the fore front if it was just a bad day. This has to stop with gyms that have this culture of tearing athletes down mentally to get what they want. I failed as a parent to realize that this was happening to my child. I am hard on my kids when I have to be but I always pick them back up and put them back together. You mention coaching style. How does one feel when one belittles a 9 year old? This is not coaching! People that say it's just the culture of cheer or culture of the gym your at and need to move on to the next gym are contributing to acceptance of this so called coaching "style" you speak of.

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Not everyone needs to agree with your situation - you can either keep an open mind or you can just keep putting everyone who is not in 100% agreement with you on blast. There is "good" coaching and "bad" coaching in EVERY sport, just as there are good teachers and bad teachers, good bosses and bad bosses. You can choose to put up with it or you can choose to move on. By moving on you are making YOUR statement that it is not acceptable to you, but just because it is not acceptable to you does not mean that everyone else in the gym has the same opinion and the gym should be shut down or forced to change - we are all different and that is what makes the world go round. Keep in mind that "good" and "bad" can be very subjective. Funny thing - some of my favorite teachers were the ones most people hated, and my CP's favorite coach was one that many of her teammates would consider their worst coach. As @Mclovin said, there are many different styles of coaching, and some kids adapt better to one style than another. The gym you are at clearly is not for your CP at this time, but that doesn't mean it isn't for everyone else that chooses to stay there.

 

[Tuan Nguyen]

So bullying is only if one attacks ones looks? Me laughing at you because I find you not intelligent or constantly reminding you that I'm not surprised your failing at a certain task? Really? This is not mentally bullying someone?

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[quitthedrama]

So bullying is only if one attacks ones looks? Me laughing at you because I find you not intelligent or constantly reminding you that I'm not surprised your failing at a certain task? Really? This is not mentally bullying someone?

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that is verbal abuse and is not ok and should be addressed. You addressed it.

 

[Mclovin]

I am as hardcore as you can get when it comes to discipline and motivation. I am not asking or expecting for any coach to walk on egg shells when an athlete does not perform or needs to be disciplined. I've played sports at a high level all they way thru College and absolutely understand the need for a coach to get in an athletes face when necessary. But never ever laugh, criticize and talk about an athlete to another athlete in a negative light. Unacceptable. I appreciate your feedback and coaching experience that you have shared but this situation with my daughter and others at the gym is disappointing to hear and to first hand experience it is very disappointing. I heard about this 3 years ago when my daughter first joined the gym and just put it off as the parent or parents are being to sensitive and need to suck it up. I found myself being very tough with her when I saw or heard that she was not performing her mandatory skills for the team but I would never talk down, criticize and belittle her on any athlete no matter what sport.

Also being the parent of two all star cheerleaders, I get to see both sides of every situation. I can tell you that it's one thing to believe in hardcore coaching, and quite another to watch your child go through it. Some of my fellow coaches and I were just talking last night about how the coach we hated the most while we were cheering (because they were so mean and cruel) is the one we love the most now that we've looked back and seen first hand how that coached helped us become as amazing as we were. As a mom, it's hard for me to watch my kids cry in practice, or be put on blast by their coaches because they are not doing what is expected of them. My temper inside just FUMES sometimes because as their mom I know things the coach doesn't necessarily know about my child's personality, or what is going on in their personal lives, etc. There have been times my kids have been made to cry in practice. But I would never call that bullying, ever.

 

[Mclovin]

So bullying is only if one attacks ones looks? Me laughing at you because I find you not intelligent or constantly reminding you that I'm not surprised your failing at a certain task? Really? This is not mentally bullying someone?

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Laughing at a child's failures is never okay. My gut instinct tells me this probably did not happen just exactly how you perceived it to happen, but perception is reality. If in fact it did happen even once, that this coach literally laughed at your child because she didn't perform to his expectations, then he should be reprimanded by the owner. I would still not call that bullying, however, unless it was continual and purposeful.

 

[mstealtoyou]

I believe in discipline and praise as well however don't except anyone regardless of position of authority to talk down to a minor in anyway to get them to execute a stunt or pass. I would not bring this to the fore front if it was just a bad day. This has to stop with gyms that have this culture of tearing athletes down mentally to get what they want. I failed as a parent to realize that this was happening to my child. I am hard on my kids when I have to be but I always pick them back up and put them back together. You mention coaching style. How does one feel when one belittles a 9 year old? This is not coaching! People that say it's just the culture of cheer or culture of the gym your at and need to move on to the next gym are contributing to acceptance of this so called coaching "style" you speak of.

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This hit's me in the heart because I lived this Little Bit's 4th grade year in school. I understand exactly where you are coming from. It's hard to overcome the guilt you feel when you let your child down in that way. I know exactly what you're saying and I'm sorry.

I think everyone here has given you very good advice though. I hope talking about it has helped you!!

 

[CheerMomNTx]

I hope it has helped you too but what is your intention of making this thread? Do you want to come here just to bash the gym or do you legitimately want advice on how you should handle the situation? Not sure what else we can do to help if that is your intention.

 

[flcheermom]

We are no longer in All Stars - moved on to College - being out of that atmosphere and looking back, I have seen both sides. Parents that didn't ever want the coach to say anything to their child, and then ones that didn't care what was said.

My daughter has had a few different coaches over the years with different coaching styles - some more motivational, others more hard core - one a mix of both that she really connected with and loved and to this day credits him for everything cheer related - and still stays in contact with him.

I personally have never felt that she was put in a situation where she felt like she was being bullied by a coach - but she has had issues with mental blocks in the past - so the expectations of herself (she is a perfectionist) and of her coaches at times would mount up and I think that pressure - if a coach then would say something to her - depending on who it was (this was when she was younger) could lead to frustration -but I would not consider the comments bullying - just made out of frustration - if something negative was said -it was hard to watch - but I understood it for what it was - and never thought it to be bullying.

I think some coaches are better at coaching older kids, some at younger kids, some coaches are wonderful with kids who have mental blocks - some not so much- some coaches are better with lower level teams, some higher level - you get the point. I do think there are bad coaches that probably do not have their emotions in check when they are dealing with kids in any sport that may not be doing what they are capable of doing - Just like there are bad teachers - if comments are being made over and over again to the point that it is solely directed to one child on a daily basis - just to humiliate them - then I think that is an issue and is bullying - if there are just comments made, maybe in the heat of the moment coaching - sporadically - to the whole team, or even one child - depending on the attitude that the child displays etc, to me that is not bullying - Everyone says things they shouldn't at times - coaches - even parents - if the effort is made to talk about it afterwards and understand it - its fine - if its something that continues that you are not comfortable with - and its not resolved, then a good choice is to switch gyms.

 

[Tuan Nguyen]

I hope it has helped you too but what is your intention of making this thread? Do you want to come here just to bash the gym or do you legitimately want advice on how you should handle the situation? Not sure what else we can do to help if that is your intention.

I truly appreciate the comments and feedback. There is no bashing of a coach. Like I said in the write up I truly believe the owners are good people. Unfortunately there coaches need help in dealing with younger athletes. The best advice I've heard on here is to find a gym that fits what my daughter is seeking. Which is to have fun and enjoy the experience of competing and learning more skill sets. I am new to these types of forums and my intent was not to bash or not take anyones input seriously. I sincerely appreciate the platform that this forum brings and the replies I've been given.