All-Star Sex Offender Arrested At Cheer Comp

[amy1k]

I understand all of your points, but I think it's sad that it's something I need to concern myself over. Treating everyone like a predator IMO perpetuates the biased treatment of most particularly males (since most athletes in this industry are female). The same thing can be said for other male teachers in the same situation, in another sport, or even a school setting.

I TOTALLY understand what you're saying and it is completely unfair. Unfortunately, predators are looking for opportunities to maximize their contact with children...so jobs like coaching and teaching are attractive to them. I don't have a problem with my daughter hugging coaches, but I would be concerned if I saw a pattern of inappropriate contact. Obviously I wouldn't make a report or anything...but I'd limit my child's exposure to that person.

 

[SL&AM]

I 100% agree with the age thing. I wouldn't hug a senior age kid, just in case, because others will see it as sketchy, even though my motivation would be 100% innocent. I think there's a difference between that and a 9 year old hugging you though.

Also, I don't text my athletes (or any athletes for that matter) outside of practice. I'm not going to run into a situation where there's a picture of a hug, AND text messages, AND polar pop trips.

This exact problem is why you'll rarely find a male kindergarten teacher anymore. It's because everyone assumes that if a male teacher is working with young kids, he's automatically a pedophile. That's society, but it's sad.

My favorite two teachers of all time were both male which is kinda ironic. I'm glad you're taking steps to protect yourself.

 

[Michael White]

I TOTALLY understand what you're saying and it is completely unfair. Unfortunately, predators are looking for opportunities to maximize their contact with children...so jobs like coaching and teaching are attractive to them. I don't have a problem with my daughter hugging coaches, but I would be concerned if I saw a pattern of inappropriate contact. Obviously I wouldn't make a report or anything...but I'd limit my child's exposure with that person.

Exactly! I'm just saying that it shouldnt be "He hugged my child, he must be a pedophile" it should be "He hugged my child, I'm going to talk to my kid and make sure nothing else is going on, just in case". That's all I'm saying. Being wary is so important though, because like people have said, it does happen.

 

[StephlCurry]

I think there is an element of this that is also is a parent's responsibility. It is important to teach our kids (male and female) that they do have the right to have control over hugs, kisses, etc. If my daughter didn't want to hug her grandmother as a small child, I feel that it is their right. Forcing your kids to "give hugs/kisses" even if you are just trying to teach them to be nice can fog their idea of what is appropriate or not as young kids.

As teenagers, it is even more the parent's responsibility to communicate with their children... all of the time. My daughter came to me months ago completely shocked that a 16 year old on a cheer team went on vacation etc with a 21 year old coach. She has been taught that those types of relationships are not appropriate. All coach/athlete relationships are limited to cheer only. You see them at privates, tryouts, practices, and comps. They are not your "friends". They are your coaches. I believe in teaching the exact same thing with teachers.

I am a stalker of my kid's social media (not as much now that she is 18). I know who her friends are. She does not allow strangers to "follow" her or friend her on facebook. If it isn't someone that she has talked to in person, they do not get added. I have asked her before many times about who certain people are.

Maybe I am paranoid. I have definitely been the "mean" parent. It is worth it a million times over if it means that my child is protected. Even if she misses out on some "celebrity status" nonsense.

 

[amy1k]

Exactly! I'm just saying that it shouldnt be "He hugged my child, he must be a pedophile" it should be "He hugged my child, I'm going to talk to my kid and make sure nothing else is going on, just in case". That's all I'm saying. Being wary is so important though, because like people have said, it does happen.

And parents should be protecting YOU. Usually I'm the person who transports my daughter to cheer stuff. One day, my husband brought her to a private lesson with a beloved coach. He dropped her off and planned to run an errand or something. Nobody else was at the gym. To protect the COACH, I asked that my husband go back and sit in the gym with them.

 

[Michael White]

And parents should be protecting YOU. Usually I'm the person who transports my daughter to cheer stuff. One day, my husband brought her to a private lesson with a beloved coach. He dropped her off and planned to run an errand or something. Nobody else was at the gym. To protect the COACH, I asked that my husband go back and sit in the gym with them.

Yeah, I'm never alone with an athlete either, that'd be uncomfortable for me too, because of implications. Thank you for protecting both your daughter and her instructors and coaches! :)

 

[SL&AM]

I think there is an element of this that is also is a parent's responsibility. It is important to teach our kids (male and female) that they do have the right to have control over hugs, kisses, etc. If my daughter didn't want to hug her grandmother as a small child, I feel that it is their right. Forcing your kids to "give hugs/kisses" even if you are just trying to teach them to be nice can fog their idea of what is appropriate or not as young kids.

As teenagers, it is even more the parent's responsibility to communicate with their children... all of the time. My daughter came to me months ago completely shocked that a 16 year old on a cheer team went on vacation etc with a 21 year old coach. She has been taught that those types of relationships are not appropriate. All coach/athlete relationships are limited to cheer only. You see them at privates, tryouts, practices, and comps. They are not your "friends". They are your coaches. I believe in teaching the exact same thing with teachers.

I am a stalker of my kid's social media (not as much now that she is 18). I know who her friends are. She does not allow strangers to "follow" her or friend her on facebook. If it isn't someone that she has talked to in person, they do not get added. I have asked her before many times about who certain people are.

Maybe I am paranoid. I have definitely been the "mean" parent. It is worth it a million times over if it means that my child is protected. Even if she misses out on some "celebrity status" nonsense.

You don't sound paranoid, you sound involved. Sadly, for a lot of kids who end up being victimized their parents aren't present, don't keep open lines of communication, don't talk to their kids about what is/isn't okay and what to do if somethings happens.

My girl's are on the younger side so I don't have to deal with the social media type stuff yet, but we've used appropriate terminology since birth, they've been taught good touch/bad touch, who can look/touch who can't (example, the doctor can look IF mommy or daddy are in the room AND you are at the doctor's office type specifics versus mommy, daddy and the doctor can look/touch because it's too ambiguous), we've done age appropriate birds and bees type convo's and just kinda add stuff as they ask questions/become curious, but also focusing on what to do if something happens----your legs are the strongest part of your body, you fight and scream until you can't scream anymore, you run to ANY adult you find if mom/dad isn't with you...etc. Now some of this doesn't directly deal with sexual offenders, but it overlaps with other things they could face at some point down the road. And I don't begrudge or judge any parent who doesn't focus on the things we have---just using examples of how we've attempted to educate them if the need arises.

But having parents who are present, who are aware and who will speak up/raise the red flag...etc, are some of the biggest weapons against individuals who seek to do harm.

 

[amy1k]

A few months ago, I was in a hotel lobby with a group of gym parents and coaches. It was just casual chat...but a couple of the moms (of youth aged kids) started a convo with our cheer director. They were encouraging adding travel competitions (they were specifically hoping for attendance at a competition in Hawaii). They were telling him that they thought the kids should travel with the coaches so it would be more affordable for the parents. I'm like...nope. [emoji849] I get they trust the coaches, and I do too...because nothing has come up to make me feel differently...but my kid isn't traveling with coaches. Not that the coaches are even paid enough to be 24hour childcare providers. Anyway, beloved coaches and teachers HAVE turned out to be pedophiles. Protect your kids and your coaches. Set appropriate boundaries. Don't put your kid in an inappropriate situation in order to gain favor.

 

[kristenthegreat]

I'm at 3 points on this issue. (Pretty sure I've told at least one of these stories before in this thread, so if I'm repeating, I apologize).

One of my favorite teachers was accused of molesting 3 girls in his class. After they got to trial, and the girls realized what was happening, they recanted. Why did they lie in the first place? They spent so much time talking during class that he separated them (some classrooms do 'group' desks- where the desks are in groups of 4, as opposed to just separate 'rows.' Sometimes our teachers changed things to 'freshen things up'). They got mad, cooked up some scheme about lying (they probably saw the Michael Jackson trial which I'm pretty sure was happening or had just finished at the time), and away it went. He moved away after and hopefully started teaching again, but it was devastating for the town.

I had a friend raped in college by a guy who lived on her floor. When she reported it to the school, they basically said, well he won't live on your floor anymore. Pretty sure he still went to the school, pretty sure he still lived on campus even if he switched dorms, which basically meant he could assault somebody else. Pretty sure I repeatedly saw him in the hallways, and had class with him at one point.

As a camp counselor, I volunteered at a day camp run by Franciscan nuns. It was at the time when the church scandals were REALLY blazing, so they developed new protocols for the kids. No hugging, no allowing them to climb all over you, no carrying them (unless in an emergency for transport). VERY restricted on touching. It was hard- I was often with the 5-6 year olds, who wanted hugs and an older sibling replacement (for some of these kids, it was very obvious they didn't always have the emotional availability of their parents who were probably working a lot). A lot of them got upset because we had a massive thunderstorm one afternoon and they were scared and trying to crawl in my lap I'm like 'No, I'm sorry.' As much as I cared about those kids, some of whom I had as camp kids for 4 or 5 years by the time I moved to the 7-9 year olds, I maintained personal space, for my own safety and comfort.

 

[oncecoolcoachnowmom]

Really, hugs are off limits? What's next, no physical contact at all? I coached a Junior team last year, and all of my athletes hugged me after performances and after getting new skills and I don't think it's weird at all.

I know this is a serious thread, but y'all need Jesus.

You also don't know what kids have abuse histories and may not be comfortable with that. Just a thought. We don't need Jesus, we're just looking out for kids.

There is a big difference between having sleepovers and hugging someone and the pic of such on IG. As already has been said, predators "groom" their victims. I don't have an issue with innocent hugs, the wrapping the legs around your coach is extreme and not smart on the coaches part and they should nip that immediately. However, if you as a parent are not comfortable with even an innocent hug, that is your choice.

The first line of defense is the parent (s). The parent and child should establish and have continued conversations about what is appropriate behavior with their coach and what is not. The parent needs to communicate with their child that no matter what any person says about threatening you if you tell (kill mommy and daddy, no one will believe you, etc.), they can always go to the parent when they feel uncomfortable and God forbid been abused. Communication is key.

There are many parents who drop and leave and use activities as a babysitter. Even with my carpool, there was always a parent who stayed with the girls at practice. None of us were drop and runs. You also have parents who are "afraid" to say anything about a coach for fear of their child losing their spot and/or being bumped down to another team. If you are afraid to speak up at your gym, then you are in the wrong gym.

I would agree. As I said, my professional boundaries and boundaries for my kid are different (my kid came from foster care and has an abuse history - previous foster home.)

We talk about what he is comfortable with and decided that we would not do hugs.

We do not think everyone is a pedophile, but we do want to avoid any triggers.

That also includes (like you said) him knowing that it is okay to refuse to do what an adult says if it makes you uncomfortable.

People train their kids all the time to obey adults 100% as authority figures instead of teaching them to listen to their gut.

I don't care if it's Suzy the Sitter who has been watching you since you were 2 and I tend to trust. If she knows we don't hug, and she asks for it, or pressures you into it, you can say no. And you need to tell me.

 

[Beans100]

Regarding background checks, are parents allowed to request the results of a background check?

So, my job is supposed to run background checks, and I found out that they don't after I searched someone who I felt uncomfortable around. I found a criminal history, including sexual assault charges, which I believe would have been grounds for not hiring. I'm wondering if there are gyms who say they run checks but actually don't, especially if it is someone well known or who has a good reputation.

If a parent feels like there is something weird about someone, or has a kid come and report something, can they ask the gym for proof that a check was done? I know that background checks won't keep all sexual offenders out of the business, but it's important to help weed out the previous ones.

 

[Michael White]

You also don't know what kids have abuse histories and may not be comfortable with that. Just a thought. We don't need Jesus, we're just looking out for kids.

I think you misunderstand me. I don't initiate a hug with ANY child. If a child hugs me, that is their decision.

 

[oncecoolcoachnowmom]

I think you misunderstand me. I don't initiate a hug with ANY child. If a child hugs me, that is their decision.

I see what you're saying.

 

[MomMomMamaMom]

Regarding background checks, are parents allowed to request the results of a background check?

So, my job is supposed to run background checks, and I found out that they don't after I searched someone who I felt uncomfortable around. I found a criminal history, including sexual assault charges, which I believe would have been grounds for not hiring. I'm wondering if there are gyms who say they run checks but actually don't, especially if it is someone well known or who has a good reputation.

If a parent feels like there is something weird about someone, or has a kid come and report something, can they ask the gym for proof that a check was done? I know that background checks won't keep all sexual offenders out of the business, but it's important to help weed out the previous ones.

Background checks are normally confidential. Even when I used to work somewhere that did background checks for landlords ( for a fee) they could say only if records were found, not what was found.

 

[SL&AM]

Regarding background checks, are parents allowed to request the results of a background check?

So, my job is supposed to run background checks, and I found out that they don't after I searched someone who I felt uncomfortable around. I found a criminal history, including sexual assault charges, which I believe would have been grounds for not hiring. I'm wondering if there are gyms who say they run checks but actually don't, especially if it is someone well known or who has a good reputation.

If a parent feels like there is something weird about someone, or has a kid come and report something, can they ask the gym for proof that a check was done? I know that background checks won't keep all sexual offenders out of the business, but it's important to help weed out the previous ones.

I don't know the legality around giving that information out, but I do know there are different types of background checks. In some cases, checks don't cross state lines which is how some cases slip through the cracks.